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:iconsilver-ships-fly: More from silver-ships-fly


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Submitted on
January 16, 2013
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it's long gone

that i carry on

from the wreckage.

there's no end to the ocean's hunger.

 

sky & sea,

i can't tell the difference.

i'm only floating along

waiting for a shore line.

i brace myself for waves to come.

 

my mind's full of sea urchins

swimming in my head.

 

nothing seems to matter

when you're a castaway

sailing on forever.

i'm high on sea salt & self chatter. 

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:iconmichel-le-fou:
I wish to start that I may need to be a more universal critic, but it won't mean negative outlook so much. First of all the atmosphere of floating on wreckage was well-created. The language used was very appropriate, and the lines on a mind filled with sea urchins was amusing. I will add that although I realize that a castaway's thoughts may be so short, like the breath, I still prefer more detail to enhance the atmosphere. That is the brunt of any negativity. A long narrative like Rime of the Ancient Mariner is due.Otherwise it was good work?
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:icontiajones:
tiajones Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
"there's no end to the ocean's hunger"
and
"i'm high on sea salt & self chatter"

those are absolutely fantastic lines <3
Reply
:iconsilver-ships-fly:
silver-ships-fly Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:huggle:!!!!
Reply
:icontiajones:
tiajones Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:huggle: right back at you  (:
Reply
:iconcreativelycliche:
creativelycliche Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2013  Professional Writer
"sky & sea,

i can't tell the difference.

i'm only floating along

waiting for a shore line."


Some wonderful lines in this piece - very nice.

Reply
:iconsilver-ships-fly:
silver-ships-fly Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you! <3
Reply
:iconvioletense:
violetense Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Student Writer
Love the metaphors here.
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:iconsilver-ships-fly:
silver-ships-fly Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
ty <3
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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey there,

Prettyflour here on behalf of with the critique you requested. Sorry for the delay, we have so many poems to critique and are getting to each deviation as quickly as we can!

I am loving this. You had me hooked at the first stanza. This line: there's no end to the ocean's hunger. captivated me.

And the last line was brilliant. I like your use of alliteration- it made it flow nicely and gave the ending a little something special that made me smile.

Overall, I think this is original and unique with high points for both emotional and visual impact. I really have no constructive criticism to offer- I like it just the way it is!

Thank you and have a great day!
Reply
:iconsilver-ships-fly:
silver-ships-fly Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much, it means so much to me!
am just glad you DO the critiques. :hug:
i don't mind that it takes some time.

& i'm glad you liked it! :heart:
i like it just the way it is too.
Reply
:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconpoeticalcondition:

:)
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