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Submitted on
August 22, 2013
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her heart was naked as paper, until colors started to stain it.
& the colors were beautiful at first, but they began to blend into a black despair
that now weighs down on her chest to the point were she can
hardly breathe.
this immense darkness ran through the flume of her veins & bled out
through her pores until all of her dreams, her hopes,
& all the love she ever had
was all covered in black.

& she wants to wash it away, this darkness, but instead she pretends to be ok;
painting a smile over her face.

& it's hard to pretend to see the beautiful things
when all you can see,
all you can feel, &
ALL   YOU   CAN   BREATHE
is a black despair you can't seem to remember not being there in your heart.

when she paints, she fills the canvas with colors;
the colors she wishes she could feel, the kind she sees in everyone else,
but then she runs the colors all together
until there is only black.
until the canvas is damp, heavy, & is drowning in darkness. there is no white to be seen;
just like her heart.

:iconsilver-ships-fly:

her colors all run togetherby silver-ships-fly

Literature / Poetry / Emotional / Free Verse©2013-2014 silver-ships-fly
i reworte this: fav.me/d5b8a62
please feel free to critique, I would really appreciate it.
(i'm so glad i don't feel like this anymore.)
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
%PoeticalCondition critique

to be ok;
for this particular line which has these words, make it a three line stanza and add "Every lil thin' is gon'er be a'rite!". I don't know, it sounds so nice to have that in this poem.

& it's hard to pretend to see the beautiful things 
when all you can see, 
all you can feel, &
ALL   YOU   CAN   BREATHE 
is a black despair you can't seem to remember not being there in your heart.
Make the middle three lines in italic. the second last line should be in bold and italic, with an "!" in the end.

In the last stanza, seperate the last line from its preceeding line.

All in all, a good poem. It was nicely written, and it delivered well. Bravo :)
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:iconsilver-ships-fly:
silver-ships-fly Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

i don't know about that first one...(i kind of like it though)

but i thank i'll try the last to & see how they work.

 

thanks! :D

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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Sure.
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:iconsaltwaterlungs:
saltwaterlungs Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Really beautiful metaphor and imagery! There are quite a few typos in teh first stanza though.

"to the point"
"through here pores"
"& all the the she ever had"
"was all covered"

But ptherwise, super great imagery! i love teh first stanza most of all though, because of how you describe the colors comign through but then mixing to make black. It doesn't start blac, it starts somehting else. Wonderful work!
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:iconsilver-ships-fly:
silver-ships-fly Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you! :hug:
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm not much of a critic so I'll leave it at this: This is just......awesome. The way you convey those emotions, is fantastic. Wonderful job. :clap:
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:iconsilver-ships-fly:
silver-ships-fly Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart: thank you! :heart:
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart: My pleasure, as always. :heart:
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